June 24th, 2007

Dear Ellen

This might be the hardest letter I ever wrote.  We have had many
difficult conversations over the last few weeks, and I've tried to put
them into perspective, and to give our situation every chance it can
have to suceed.  I've had to draw some very hard conclusions in this
last week.  I've discussed our situation with people who I trust, and
I'm now forced to make a life long choice which will affect many other
people, especially my children.

In the last few months, I've observed many facets of your personality,
most of which I'm all to familiar with.  And while watching you work
through your emotional turmoil, I'm trying very had to make the right
decision for the family, as well as myself, to construct a path for us to
walk in which we can live and grow together in happiness.  Unfortunately,
as much as I've tried to find such a path, or to build such a path,
I've not had any success.

Dear Ellen, I know you are going to react with personal pain from what
I'm going to say, but I can't build a working situation for our family
because we can not promote anything positive while we try to overcome
your continual commitment to destructive behaviors which are born out
of destructive emotions.  At this point, it would be futile to begin to
site more examples of destructive behaviors.  It would only prolong the
painful process of healing which everyone needs to under go at this time.
But I would like to, with your permision, to address some concerns I
have about the children, and to say one or two things.

Ellen, my hands shake and a tear wells in my eyes when I think about
how much I long for a loving family which works together, and where
our children would grow together with a strong sense of membership,
so that they would feel special because they are one family, together.
At this point, the family is so fractured, that the children will never
learn how much more full their lives are together, than they will be
if they are isolated and seperated from each other.  The sibling bonds
between them are too frail because they have not had such an example
from their parents.  They've learned that even the dearest relationships
are to be turn assunder over prideful issues such as whether or not we
should have an excersize bike, or if a when a caterer should be called
on Friday or Monday.

Instead of learning how to disagree productively, they have learned
to frame every disagreement in the most theatrical way possible in
order to court the opinion of others.  They have learned to frame all
of their arguments in such a way as to leave the smallest about of
space for another members opinion and needs, rather than trying to seek
resolutions based on trying to satisfy as much of each others needs as
possible.  Mostly, they have learned that expression of their emotions in
disagreement is tabu, so when faced with the real emotional expression,
especially in disagreemnt, to take all the words expressed in the heat
of the moment as personal affronts, rather than learning to listen to
each other which requires a thick skin.  Finally, because they are not
learning to disagree productively, they are not learning how to better
express their feelings, so that others can learn and come to understand
what their movitiations are in a dispute, so that they can be productively
worked through.

Since they are not learning to work through their emotions together,
they are not learning to emotionally bond together.  So there can not
develope a sense of loyality, and love....

and this is not what I wanted for them.  This is not what I want for
myself either.

I can't find any means to have a positive influence on the situation.
Your reentry into my life is something which you clearly don't want.
Although you have strong emotions to want to bring the family together,
your fundementally unhappy with any relationship in which you need to
be supportive of me.  In addition, your fundementally certain that my
children are better off without me, and you've said this repeatedly.
In your opinion, emotional display in the house destroys the children.
I strongly disagree.  A family which can constructely be comfortable with
their emotions in their home is key to their development.  They have to
learn how to disagree, without ripping up the foundation of their bonds,
and to reap the equal reward of feeling true love from their family.
They are not safe in silence, they are safe in the unconditional love of
each other.  With you, I can not expect to be comfortable inside my home.
I always need to congnicent that any disagreement can be the spark which
rips then entire tapersty of our home.  You act out on so many fears,
and inhibitions, that you burn yourself out, and leave nothing emotionally
for any of the rest of us.

I thought that you have made progress in this area, and that you've
come to learn to just let life unfold with the confidence that, with the
family, we can adapt and overcome problems as they present themselves.
But your just not willing to let go of your fears and anxiaties.
And this is now reflecting in the children.

Depressingly, I'm stuck without any good solutions.  It hurts me very
much, but my best path is to continue without you.  Since I can't help
the children in any way, and trying to only will result in further
damaging them, I'm going to back off.  If you don't make the necessary
decisions to allow me to raise them, then they won't have that benifit.
And since it is your opinion that my involvement with the children hurts
them, then I can see no change in the situation in the forseable future.

Therefor, I'm abandoning my efforts to put this family together again,
and to have Dovid's Bar Mitza in New York.  And neither can I become
involved in the lives of these children as they are being raised by
you in Wisconcin.  You have set yourself up an judge and jury of my
relationship with my children, and have decided how you'll dole out
access to my children and how they will be raised.  I will not partner
with you under this condition in the raising of my children.  And while
I can not stop you from tearing up their childhoods, I am empowered to
fundementally change your influence on me.  I can limit the damage you
do to me emotionally, and through your actions.

Ruben